The Just In! The Definitive Rankings of Thanksgiving Side Dishes

Like everything else, this year’s Thanksgiving festivities are going to look a little different. Grandmas throughout the country aren’t inviting us over for dinner because they “don’t want to get Covid” (selfish!) and many of us are forced to step our domestic game up. To help minimize your holiday stress, I’ve made a list to help you decide which side dishes to yeet from your turkey day dinner menu.

#1: MASHED POTATOES

Mashed potatoes are like me on a first date – literally anything you want me to be. Mashies have an identity crisis that works to our benefit. Garlic? Covered. Butter? Hell yeah. You like cheese? Sprinkle that shit. Creamy meat juice? Gravy makes me uncomfortable but if that’s your thing go off, I guess!

#2: GREEN BEAN CASSEROLE:

The old GBC is the Kevin Jonas of the Thanksgiving spread. While it’s not the most visually appealing member of the group, it completes your plate with its unique talents. Green Bean Casserole is always welcome at my table.

#3 MAC N CHEESE

Having a small dinner at home means there’s no kids table to boost all your precious mac. The good ol’ noodles and cheese combo is the unsung hero of every holiday meal. While it’s not the Michael Jordan of the table, it’s a team player that saves your sanity when the turkey’s still frozen or your dumb cousin burnt the pumpkin pie. This Thanksgiving let’s give our gratitude toward the real MVP.

#4 ROLLS

We get it, no one is excited for rolls. Rolls are the food equivalent to the weird pitiful stranger your mom invited to dinner because they didn’t have a place to go. The upside to this is that they bring food, are quiet, and don’t contribute to your inevitable holiday family blowup. In a nutshell, rolls are easy and unproblematic. We’ll take two.

#5 ANYTHING YAMS

What IS a yam? I guess they’re fine but like… Do you want to be a potato? Do you want to be a pie? Girl, go to therapy.

#6 VEGETABLES

They only sit on the table to serve the illusion that everyone at the table isn’t spending their night eating 4 plates exclusively made up of carbs. No one’s watching this year, we don’t have to keep the charade going.

#7 CRANBERRY SAUCE

Why?

#8 STUFFING

People shit talk rolls, but the real conversation is why we’re all eating soaked bread pieces cooked inside of a turkey’s butt. The country needs to have a lot of serious discussions, but I think the topic of stuffing needs to have a place on that list.

Kirsten Hernandez
Author: Kirsten Hernandez
Kirsten Hernandez is a writer, activist, and occasional linguist in the Los Angeles area. When she isn’t clowning on the internet for likes, she’s likely to be tending to her multitude of dogs or overanalyzing the shit out of television shows.