The Stakes Have Never Been Higher: You’re Visiting Your Mom and She Wants to Know What She Should Pick Up From the Grocery Store For You

T minus three days until your arrival at your mom’s house for a visit. The stakes are astronomically high as she asks you what you want her to pick up from the store. Do you still like that cereal you ate twice when you were 14? You better have an answer, because Mom is heading to the supermarket and she NEEDS to know if there’s anything you want her to pick up for you. She’s more than happy to do it, she’ll remind you four times. But you have to give her a hint. She’s not a mind reader. She doesn’t magically know what you want to eat from the store. 

Do you eat fake meat, or real meat? Or even more confusing, no meat? Where are you getting your protein from? Cashews and almonds? That’s not enough. You need to be getting enough protein. Do you like ham? They don’t make fake ham but she bets the fellas at the deli counter could whip something up for you. It’s really no trouble, she just needs an answer. 

Three days until you arrive. You know, she’s got chickpea pasta at home. You’ve had that, you liked it. I mean, it wasn’t good. It was okay. For what it was, it was good. The future of grain is chickpeas. Do you like chickpea pasta? Let her know and she’ll grab some for you. You just have to let her know. 

You could just text her a picture of what’s in your fridge and pantry, and then she’ll know what kind of stuff you’re into these days. What do you eat for snacks? Make a bulleted list. Or a numbered list. Any kind of list is fine, she just needs a list. You’re always on your phone anyway, so why don’t you just type one out and send a little email so your mother knows what to get you from the store?

Look, Stop & Shop has lots of new weird stuff now. So you can tell her, and she’ll know what to get, and she’ll get it, and it’ll be good. That’s all. Just let her know and she’ll swing by Stop & Shop and pick you up some pretzels. Maybe some Cheez Its. Do you drink Lacroix? Do people still do that? What about trail mix? Come on. Give her something. You are killing her. Throw her a frickin’ bone here. 

You get to her house in THREE goddamn days and she just needs to know what you eat. If you don’t tell her, she’s gonna buy something weird and then you’ll be upset and she’ll have to bring you to the store. And she’s really trying to avoid two trips. You know, she has too many miles on her car already. So if you could just let your mother know what to pick up from the store for when you get to her house, that’d be great.

Callie Webb
Author: Callie Webb
Callie is a comedian, human being, and woman. She has a fondness for George Michael and videos of unlikely animal friendships.