Therapist Warns “Stop Being Dysfunctional or You’ll End Up On TLC”

The Learning Channel: where America turns in times of trouble. It seems like every season TLC adds yet another messy family to the mix, and chronicles their anguish and embarrassment. Well, I’m here with a warning, for YOU: stop being so dysfunctional or you are one hundred percent guaranteed to end up with your own TLC show. That is a threat and a promise. 

Nobody knows how TLC keeps developing new shows with new batches of poorly adjusted people. Rumor has it they closely monitor our web presences and search for resentment, turbulent romance, and poorly developed conflict resolution skills. When they see something they like, they swoop in like mighty falcons after a mouse under the snow. And then you remain trapped on the network for the next six years, and in syndication for God knows how long. 

Is everyone on TLC a mess? Not at all. But you’ve been off your rocker lately, ma’am. And everyone is noticing. Your friends and family are getting quite fed up, and you’re headed down a dark and rambling path. A path rife with spinoffs and embarrassing GIFs. Do you want to see GIFs of your face in a stupid position plastered across the internet for years to come? You might think you do, but you don’t.

The novelty will wear off. It will be fun until the money runs out. And then you’ll find yourself applying for a job. And the hiring manager is going to say, “Hey, you look familiar.  You ever have your own show on TLC about how you couldn’t hold down a job and your love life was shit and your entire family is insane?” And you’ll say, “Yes, that’s me!” This will prompt the hiring manager to say, “I think we’re going in a different direction, thanks for your interest in the position. We do not validate parking.” Then you’ll go outside and your car will have been towed.

Do you really have the time for that? The resources? The energy? 

So please, take a look in the mirror. And ask yourself this: Am I being problematic or handling my personal life in a way that may be construed as sloppy or weird as hell? Am I  poorly adjusted? Do I find myself in strange circumstances of my own doing?

If so, tread lightly my friend. Because soon you shall find yourself on the wrong side of a TLC program.

Callie Webb
Author: Callie Webb
Callie is a comedian, human being, and woman. She has a fondness for George Michael and videos of unlikely animal friendships.