There was breaking news in the world of celebrity gossip today, for one very specific fandom, to which not many people belong. The news certainly didn’t break the internet, but it did break a very small corner of the internet. Again, the ripple effects of this scandal do not reach far nor wide. But your friend Samantha, who happens to keep close tabs on all involved parties, is going to be devastated.
Evidently, the D-list celeb scandal involved cheating and heartache. According to reliable sources, the act of infidelity is not one they can recover from, and signifies a paradigm shift in the romantic dynamics of a whole subsection of semi-known socialites. Or perhaps the scandal was more criminal in nature. Perhaps there was an arrest, possibly even a DUI charge. Honestly, I might be mixing up celebrity scandals at this point. None of it is really sticking, because again, the people involved are not very famous.
When trying to pinpoint the precise celebrities involved in the scandal, this reporter was able to determine that some of the people involved do reality TV, and other ones do not do reality TV. It was not confirmed, however, what in fact those other ones are known for. Regardless, your friend Samantha knows them all by name, and on top of that, can rattle off an eerily accurate timeline of who each person has ever dated, along with every hairstyle they’ve ever worn.
When asked her opinion on the celebrity scandal, your other friend Jane offered, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Jane isn’t alone. Thirteen different people you talk to regularly all reported that they are affected 0% by the news. Two of them insisted that we rephrase the question to remove the word “news” because an event as obscure and inconsequential as this one doesn’t register to them as “news” at all.
Tell that to Samantha. She’s never going to get over this one.