WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD FOR A MOVIE THAT CAME OUT ALMOST 30 YEARS AGO
Joe Pesci. Ralph Macchio. Marissa Tomei. This movie really has it all. But did you know that the 1992 classic my dad has hailed as “one of the greatest movies of all time” is, in fact, gay as hell?
Let’s do a quick recap.
Bill (Ralph Macchio) and Stan (Mitchell Whitfield) are two New York college students on their way to UCLA. While driving through Alabama, they’re arrested for a murder they didn’t commit. Bill’s cousin Vinny (Joe Pesci) is a personal injury lawyer who’s never been in court, but he agrees to help the boys out. He and his fiancee (Marissa Tomei) drive down to help and wackiness ensues.
If you’re a fan of courtroom dramas, marveling at how teeny-tiny Joe Pesci was, or the absolutely luscious accents of the Deep South, then this movie is right up your alley.
It’s also, as I mentioned above, gay as hell.
We’re supposed to believe that Bill and Stan, two adorable little dudes with great chemistry and banter are just “best friends.” Not on my watch. As someone with a film degree, I pick up on subtext and nuance better than the average person. I have a diploma in the trunk of my car to prove it.
The way these guys look at each other, the way they bicker, the way they embrace – it all points to something much more than just “bromance.” Drop the b, please. These guys are boning.
This is them holding hands and then hugging. Gay alert!!!
If you pay close attention throughout the movie, you’ll also notice some gay easter eggs director Jonathan Lynn has left in certain shots that signal to any queer person (or straight person with a keen eye) that this movie is gay as hell.
That’s right, I’m talking about the mustaches.
This is Ralph Macchio’s mustache. It’s small, but it’s gay.
This is the sheriff’s mustache. You can see it’s much bigger than Ralph’s, but it’s also very gay.
Now for the pièce de résistance. This is the bailiff’s mustache. It’s the biggest and gayest of them all.
How can you look at these impeccable facial ornaments and not walk away from this movie feeling the gay agenda thrust upon you? Cheers to Jonathan Lynn, who definitely did all of this on purpose (probably).
Now, for the grand finale. Let’s talk about Marissa Tomei.
She won an Oscar for this role and she deserves several more. Tomei’s “Lisa” is the comic relief in an already hilarious movie, and it’s her expertise on cars of all things that eventually clears the two boyfriends of the charges against them.
In the movie’s climactic scene, Vinny questions Lisa on the witness stand, showing her a photo of tire tracks that the killers’ car left at the crime scene. Based on that one picture she’s able to school the entire courtroom on suspension and positraction (which are car terms apparently), proving that the killers drove a different car than Ralph Macchio and his boyfriend.
A woman? Going on an educated rant? About cars? Wiping the floor with a bunch of men? She’s gotta at least be bisexual.
That concludes this month’s edition of Gay as Hell. My Cousin Vinny is currently streaming on Hulu for anybody looking for an hour and 59 minutes of homoerotic propaganda.
(Also, honorable mention to Joe Pesci in this suit. If this isn’t gay I don’t know what is.)
Images: My Cousin Vinny, Twentieth Century Fox (1992)