This Just In! Studies Show Spending $60 a Day Will Keep You From Getting Bored and Freaking Out

Spending $60 a day: one of many surefire ways to keep you from becoming mentally “unwell.” Whether it’s due to boredom, genuine need, or just a plain old hankering for some bullshit, spending $60 every day of your life is a great way to ensure you live another day without freaking out. I mean, you might freak out about something. But you’ll be occupied in the brief amount of time you’re spending 60 of your hard earned dollars. 

Scientists don’t understand why spending $60 a day keeps  you from becoming insane. They have theorized it’s due to the womanly “gatherer instinct.” By going outside or even online shopping and adding things to your cart, you’re activating your “cavewoman” brain. Unga bunga!

If you’re not sure where to start, stopping for a coffee is a great way to ensure you’ll spend some money. Sure, there’s coffee at home. But it’s at home, in your house, which makes it boring and useless to you. I know you bought coffee to make in your apartment so you’d save money, but that’s not the point of what we’re doing here. To really get things started, you’re gonna want to order something weird with lots of caffeine. The stupider the order the better. Really rack up those extra charges by asking for an extra flavor shot, non-dairy milk, or whipped cream. Go crazy, so you don’t actually go insane. 

Now that you’re caffeinated and have spent anywhere from $2-8 dollars, you’ve officially primed the pump and are ready to spend the real money. Here’s an approach I like to go for: head over to your nearest Target or other big box store of your choosing and really take your time meandering. Check out every aisle. Eventually, you will find something you “need.” For example: those little face razors. You don’t “need” them, per se, but do you want them enough to justify buying them? Yes. I mean, don’t you want your face to be silky smooth? Don’t you want to see the hair fly off your gorgeous face and land in your bathroom sink? Go for it. Buy them. You’re on your way to not being bored. It never hurts to pick up another stupid beverage to enjoy later at home. Or if you’re feeling bold, get another coffee. Coffee number two will push you over the edge and send you into overdrive so you can make worse choices. 

Still haven’t spent the exact amount of money to make you forget about all the things wrong in your life, but remind you that life can be fun? The key is to deny yourself nothing. If you see anything that sets off neurotransmitters and joy in your lizard / cavewoman brain, you must obey that lizard / cavewoman. There is no wrong answer here. Buy a pizza with all the toppings you desire. A fucked up ice cream flavor. A family sized box of Cheez Its that only you will be eating. You can do this. Unga bunga! 

Callie Webb
Author: Callie Webb
Callie is a comedian, human being, and woman. She has a fondness for George Michael and videos of unlikely animal friendships.