US Congress Thumb Wrestles Over Pandemic Aid

Although we’ve had months to get this figured out before the extra pandemic pay expired, we just couldn’t get our act together. That’s our bad. Republicans wanted to shave it down to $200. Democrats fought to keep the $600 and drew a hard line, so now everyone gets nothing. It’s kind of a bad look, so to combat the stereotype of a “do nothing” congress, we’re getting creative!

Our two party system can get a wee bit partisan, so we’ve recently tried doing arguments in the style of The Voice and The Masked Singer, where someone comes out of the chamber dressed like a fuzzy bird to make their argument. It’s working! Mitch McConnell hit the buzzer on AOC last week. You should have seen his face.

We’ve also tried feats of strength and strategy. Ed Markey is shockingly ripped. He lifted the statue of James Madison right off the ground. Pie eating contests ended in a tie. Chicken fights in the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool only served to put some of our older members (95% of us) on an oxygen line.

Ted Cruz has been winning our Hula Hooping Contest until he was bested by Rashia Talib. That Ted can really move those hips, but knocked right into the rostrum and speaker’s chair. Rashida was far more impressive, using this opportunity to give a speech on fighting corporate greed as she claimed victory. Marco Rubio was angling to catch the snitch in Quidditch, but Lindsey Graham convinced the ref Mike Pence that this game was blasphemous and “something a good Christian boy wouldn’t play.” Gaga Ball seemed fruitful until someone, who shan’t be named, had to go and get bloody knuckles in the final two.

We’re really trying to iron this out so we can go on vacation to our summer estates. Being in congress can be so tough. Sometimes we even come in in the middle of the night so we can force a vote without the other party being present! When I get the unicorn emoji, I know to stay closeby. Maybe we’d get along better if they made us live together like in Real World? I’ll suggest that on the Google Form.

Despite our best efforts to compromise, we’re at plan Z. The speaker of the house and senate will duke it out in a thumb war at high noon today. There’s a reason Nancy has been speaker for so long. Her thumb game is quick and dynamic. Mitch is more methodical and deceptive. The tension is so high in the room, the Republicans are all trying to cut it, like Medicaid. The Democrats, who normally compromise are playing offense today, talking smack. Chris Murphy is live tweeting the event with blistering commentary. Nancy even sharpened her nails and painted them blood red for this one.

I better run so I can get a good seat! 1,2,3,4 I declare a thumb war.

Tricia D'Onofrio
Tricia D'Onofrio is a comedian and writer from Connecticut, but not the tennis part. She has determined that 2020 will be her year, despite all signs pointing to the opposite. She always believed herself to be a unique individual, but it turns out she's just a textbook Sagittarius.