We Tried Every Detox Tea on the Market and Now Our Organs Look Like Raisins

If you’re in the market to begin a daily detox tea regimen but don’t know which brand to try, we got you covered, because we tried them all. It was absolutely damaging to drink that much detox tea in one week, but oh well, it happened, and there’s no turning back! We might as well share everything we learned along the way. 

Superfood-rich detox teas are packed with naturally fortifying ingredients like ginger, cinnamon, and turmeric. These tea blends are guaranteed to jumpstart your system. And by “system,” I don’t just mean immune system. I mean that, if you drink a lot of this stuff like we did, you will be shitting your brains out for far too long. It will be uncomfortable on many levels. 

Detox teas with blueberries are especially beneficial because they contain antioxidants and other important qualities whose names we don’t remember. (We all have headaches! After a certain point, the caffeine stops being energizing and starts feeling oppressive! It’s hard to concentrate!) 

In hindsight, it was probably unwise to have the entire office participate in the same exact detox rampage simultaneously. I definitely could have done this alone and written a perfectly sufficient product write-up. There was no need for HR to partake. There was also no need to sample all the teas at once. We got greedy, okay? 

Now, nobody is feeling okay. We all feel absolutely hollowed out and eviscerated. How could drinking so much liquid make us feel so dehydrated? Well, it’s not literally the liquid making us dehydrated, of course—it’s all the shitting. 

One time, when I was abroad, I got the worst food poisoning of my life. My memory of that vacation is an absolute blur, as I had to stay in the hotel the entire trip. I feel like I’ve relived that sickness fifty times this past week. I’ve literally broken my lifelong record of “illest I’ve ever felt” fifty whole times. In one week. 

On some level, sure, we’ve probably “cleansed” our “toxins,” but we’ve all lost a lot more than we’ve gained.  

Tea is a great way to detox the system. It’s also a substance that, apparently, can be overdosed, which we learned the hard way. Who knew consuming a health drink in excess could have such deleterious effects on the body? Now, standing up straight is hard, and I can’t feel my tongue. The influencers on IG didn’t warn me about this, and I feel betrayed. 

In summary, I think I could use a few toxins in my body. Calories are good. Sugar is good. Energy is good. I want Gatorade.

Mary Gulino
Author: Mary Gulino
Mary is an LA-based writer from New Jersey whose work can be seen online and on TV (unless you count streaming platforms as online, in which case, it's all online). She got glasses when she was two, and would love to talk optometry sometime.