Wedding Without Punny Hashtag Deemed Illegal

Lily and Violet MacQuoid were shocked when they opened their door to find an agent from the Federal Beardeau of Hipster Investigations. They had recently returned from their honeymoon in Maui and weren’t expecting any visitors, much less a visitor with a rustic, but clearly expensive badge. The FBHI agent didn’t waste any time. 

“Mrs. and Mrs.MacQuoid, we are here to investigate a very serious report concerning your wedding. May we come in?” 

The MacQuoids had always been strict, law abiding Hipsters; even before it was cool or anyone had heard of it. They didn’t hesitate letting the agent into their home, assuming that they would be able to explain whatever the problem was. They quickly learned otherwise. 

“Ma’ams, we have received very disturbing reports. We have been told that you were married in a barn, with string lights in mason jars, and a make your own sundae bar inspired by Pinterest, is that correct?” 

Yes, of course they had. They wanted their wedding to be hella Instagrammable.  

“Yes,” replied Lily MacQuoid, “But we submitted all of the appropriate forms to our nearest fair trade coffee shop. Everything was in order.” 

“Yes, all of your forms were in order, but when we went to your social media to check that you had used the regulation amount of chalk paint, we saw that there was no pun, based on your names, used as the official hashtag for the wedding.” 

The agent slid four pictures with captions attached across their coffee table made of a  reclaimed stump they’d found while hiking. 

“Can you please explain to me why not a single one of these captions includes a pun inspired by your union that, while it is not funny, does make me nod and go ‘cute’?” 

The MacQuoids looked at each other. How, in all of their planning, had they forgotten to come up with a name pun? Lily started crying as Violet sat in shocked silence. 

“I hate to inform you, but in the eyes of the Hipster church, you are not married. You are currently living in punless sin, and have therefore been uninvited from brunch… forever” 

“Please, that’s way too severe of a pun-ishment. My last name is Dankworth! I don’t know what  kind of pun we could have even to come up with!” cried Lily.

“Unfortunately there’s nothing I can do for you Miss Dankworth. You shouldn’t have registered at your local artisanal cheese shop if you weren’t prepared to write a pun that would be fun the first time people saw it, and overwhelmingly annoying the eighth time. You may be married in the eyes of the law, but in the eyes of every barista, microbrewery, and your composting club,  you are two single gals who happen to be madly in love and solidly committed to each other.” 

It’s a harrowing tale, but Lily Dankworth and Violet MacQuoid wanted to tell their story as a warning to the hipster public.  

“Please,” begs Miss MacQuoid, “If you’re going to get married surrounded by chalk paint and burlap, make sure there’s at least one sign with a punny hashtag based on your names hanging around. Put it in the program, put it in the invitations, put it around the neck of your rented labradoodle ring bearer. Whatever you have to do, just make sure you don’t forget the pun!”

Kayla Esmond
Author: Kayla Esmond
Kayla is a comedian and butch bisexual from Texas, currently raising 4 cats and a million plants with her boyfriend and multiple roommates in LA. She's a wine mom with no kids and strong opinions on the gender dynamics of serial killers.