While wearing a face covering is mandatory in 34 states, it’s up to store employees to enforce it with customers. After explosive encounters went viral, management said, “F*ck it, we’re not putting our lowest-paid workers in the line of fire.”
Great news for single moms! Where there’s an unstable man making a scene, divorced moms are ready to defend their actions, and maybe even spark up a romance. Be advised, if your mom shops at any of the stores listed she may meet her new soulmate (which is a lot easier when you’re the only two with exposed faces).
Gas Stations: He’s only going inside to pay for gas, why would he bother to put on a mask? While inside he’ll also make coffee, use the bathroom, scratch off a few lottery tickets, and try on four pairs of sunglasses, giving your mom plenty of time to notice him. Who says old people don’t have meet-cutes?
Walmart: They sell everything including masks, but your future stepdad isn’t concerned. He’s got a medical condition that prevents him from wearing a mask called being a red-blooded American. Your mom strikes up a conversation in the checkout lane. If he can afford a carton of Newports, he can give her the lifestyle she’s always dreamed of.
Pharmacy: Major big-box pharmacies like CVS and Walgreens said they won’t hassle customers who don’t wear face coverings, which is perfect because your mom pops in a couple of times a month to pick up her nerve pills and nylons. Will they get a flu shot while they wait in line for their ‘scrips? Sure, they’ll get implanted with a microchip. Nice try, Bill Gates!
Hardware Store: Stores like Lowe’s and Home Depot have been blindsided with people stuck indoors catching up on home improvement projects. That’s how your future stepdad knows he can run in for 2×4’s without having to acknowledge the global health crisis. He carries a big bag of potting soil for your Mom from the garden center after she “waited forever for someone to assist her.” He’s her knight in shining armor and you can’t tell her differently.
With all these potential suitors, we can’t wait to see which one she introduces to your family after taking zero precautions the entire pandemic. She respects the way he defies authority (but when you do it you’re disrespectful). Now go to your room and think about how your negative attitude affects others.
