Who’s Gonna Tell My Beloved Spanx That I’m Never Gonna See Them Again?

Yesterday, while doing a deep dig through my underwear drawer (to avoid doing a load of laundry, so help me God!), my hand bumped into something bulky. Was it a wayward hospital sock? An old nursing bra? The “silky hair drying” towel I’d recently purchased and immediately lost? Nope! It was my Spanx. 

I was late to the Spanx bandwagon, having survived my first five years as an actress in Los Angeles without them. And then I got pregnant, but was still auditioning, and needed to find a way to hide that bumping baby as quickly as possible. “Spanx!” echoed in unison from my lady friends, with five-star reviews like “they hold me in,” “they smooth me out,” and “they even have a pee hole!”

So I Spanxed away, and I have to be honest, I was almost 6 months along before I could no longer pass as non-preggo to audition for hard lemonade commercials (seriously). 

And here and there, post-baby, they came in super handy, especially with one particular and very tight wrap dress, but now? They just feel like a LOT. OF. WORK. 

Let’s be honest, they were never the easiest things to pull on. Or off. And yeah, they hold you in … sometimes hugging a little too lovingly. And don’t get me started on the pee hole. I mean, sure, there’s an opening, but you have to contort yourself like a top Cirque performer just to get clear access. 

During this pandemic, I’ve bought two sweatshirt dresses (they’re what they sound like), a pair of slippers, and a bra without an underwire. I am too tired for an underwire. I am one more lockdown away from being too tired for underwear. I just want simple things, like the billowy Victorian nightgown I purchased that causes my husband’s eyebrows to raise (and not in the hubba hubba way) every time I don it. And yes, I said don, because that is what happens in Victorian times. The thought of trading in my beloved cozies for Spanx seems almost appalling. 

But then again, one day we may leave the house again. Or, if this continues much longer, there may be another baby bump to hide, a Zoom party that requires that very same wrap dress or I may really miss those tight, loving hugs. 

Just in case, I slip the Spanx back into the drawer, in hopes of a smoother tomorrow.

Susan-Kate Heaney (Los Angeles, CA) @sue_kate Susan-Kate Heaney is an actor (Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, The Mindy Project, Masters of Sex), writer (multiple one-woman shows, webseries, movies) and new mom (Clover). She loves comedy and performs live often (improv, stand-up, sketch). She is the host of a podcast called "The Quirks" and spoiler alert... she has many of them. ​