The city dwellers have left their natural habitat and have wandered into the wild of your suburban town. Don’t worry, they are mostly harmless, if not more a little more adept at swearing. They aren’t quite skilled at assimilating and blending into their semi-rural (it’s basically the wild west for them) surroundings, so they are fairly easy to spot. But just in case you can’t make out the urbanites asking for gluten-free at your local pizzeria, here are some easy ways to pick them out.
1. They are probably gathered around some greenery and taking selfies with a tree for Instagram. Wildlife, like birds, enthuse them. They are not used to nature and find themselves giddy over photosynthesis. They might chase after squirrels and try to touch a skunk. If there is a cow nearby they will lose their shit.
2. They keep asking for a place called Starbucks, but you just keep directing them to Dunkin Donuts because it’s obviously better and that is the hill you’re willing to die on.
3. They walk everywhere. Where is their vehicle? Do they not have one? It’s worse than that, my friends, they CHOOSE to walk. Just for kicks! Walking in the city is more like an awkward relay race around tourists, slow walkers, baby carriages, street vendors, and the homeless, so they would rather walk on the side of the road for peace and relaxation.
4. Leaves. They love that stuff more than trees and grass. They will try to make crafts out of them and sell them on Etsy.
5. They will want everything delivered to their door, and it will be strange for them to have to actually call the restaurant to place their order. Be patient with their phone etiquette, they literally have never had to develop any.
6. The size of the supermarket will absolutely astound them. They will not shut up about the size of the aisle and the obnoxious amount of cereal variety.
7. They keep talking about the quiet and ask if there are sirens in suburbia.
8. Where is everybody? They are constantly on the lookout for all the other people. They might be a little agoraphobic due to space, but the emptiness of your home town will always be a little unsettling. Seriously, where are all the people?
9. They keep looking up at the sun. The shiny orb that sustains all life on earth has always been hidden behind tall buildings. So the pasty city people with vitamin D deficiencies might spend the first few weeks staring in awe at the sky. Oh and the stars? They will not shut up about those things. Who knew there were so many?
10. Why does everything close at 9pm? You gotta give them this one because it is seriously ridiculous.
I hope these tips help and just remember, if you decide to approach, do so slowly, they are not used wanted human contact.
