Woman Convinces Herself She’s a Vampire to Justify Staying Inside Forever

Many people were relieved when various businesses, beaches and parks reopened after months of stay-at-home quarantining. But for Los Angeles resident, Gabby Baker, home had become a place she was no longer willing to leave.

“Some people call it agoraphobia, but I call it ‘back the f**k off, I’m a vampire,'” said Baker while wearing a face mask with a fanged mouth screen print.  

For Baker, constant time at home has been the perfect refuge for her two biggest pet peeves: people and the sun.

“People should be glad I’m hiding behind my blackout curtains and  continuing to get my groceries delivered,” said Baker. “If I wasn’t, I’d be out there trying to bite their stupid, gaitered necks. And that wouldn’t exactly be sanitary at a time like this, now would  it?” She then took a large swig out of a red Gatorade bottle with the word “BLOOD” written on it in Sharpie.  

When asked if she slept in a coffin, Baker rolled her eyes. “That’s so ignorant,” she said with annoyance. “Did you ever consider that some vampires are unemployed bartenders who can’t afford a fancy coffin? Did you ever think that maybe some of us have to sleep in our bathtubs with wet towels over our bodies in order to achieve the feeling of cold, dead skin? Some of the undead are just trying to get by, you classist asshole.” It was at this point that her black cat found his way into her lap.

Baker stroked his fur and said, “This is my familiar,” in an apparent mix-up of her horror folklore details.  

“Look, once they come up with a vaccine for Covid-19, I’m sure I’ll be more willing to go out there and find a fresh victim. But for now, I’m just trying to be a responsible vampire and listen to the CDC. I guess I’ll just have to keep getting sustenance by writing biting remarks on comment threads,” said Baker while lighting up a bong.

When asked why biting remarks would be enough to sustain her, Baker clarified, “Oh, I forgot to mention that I’m also part troll.” 

Courtney Blomquist
Courtney is comedian, writer, and occasional photographer in Los Angeles. She's a little bit basic, but also a little bit rad, so it all evens out in the end.