Woman Excited for Broadway to Come Back Not Excited for Return of Theatre Kids

The marquees of Broadway are aglow once again in New York City, beckoning fans of the arts back to live theatre. While many are overjoyed to see performers like Sara Bareilles and Eva Noblezada take the stage, they cannot help but feel a little grim about the sacrifice that comes with the return of Broadway.

“I just know I’m going to have to hear some college freshman talk about how she was born to play Velma in Chicago while I wait in line,” an area woman said. “Velma? Girl, you’ve never even had your tit touched. Be quiet and sit far away from me.” 

Theatre kids trampled Broadway like wild horses in its first opening weeks. While most understood their excitement after over a year of no live theatre, others were creeped out by their passion. 

“There was a dude in a newsboy cap frothing at the mouth when he was handed his program,” a local man said. “The paper started disintegrating in his sweaty ass hands. We know he’s vaccinated for COVID-19, but I worry about him having rabies.”

Some casual fans can’t take it. Between the themed outfits and their (pitchy) performances of songs from the show as they wait in line, it’s all just a lot.

“I was gifted orchestra seats for my anniversary and a 15-year-old in a Dear Evan Hansen arm cast came up and told me I wasn’t ‘orchestra worthy,’” professional woman Danielle Fine said. “I already had confidence problems before this…”

It’s not just the audience members that are facing aggression. Cast members were not prepared for the level of energy theatre kids would return with. 

“A kid army crawled through the aisle and then tried to rock-climb his ass onto the stage,” one ensemble member said. “He was holding his headshot and sixteen bars of music. When security grabbed him, he said, ‘Are you taking me to the producer?’ I think everyone needs a breather.”

It didn’t stop there. A soloist from another show shared the horrors she faced in the first week of Broadway’s return due to theatre kids.

“I was singing my big solo and a girl in the second row loudly turned to the person next to her and said, ‘I would’ve hit that run with way more confidence, just saying,’” soloist Heather Lima said. “My therapist is on speed dial now.”