Woman Fails to Cultivate Air of Mystery Because She Loves to Overshare

It’s the ultimate fantasy: to walk into a room, descending a grand marble staircase in a flowing gown, smiling seductively. Like the Mona Lisa with better eyebrows, people cannot stop talking about you and how they just don’t GET it. And it’s driving them crazy! As the people below you gaze up at your stunning visage, and you know one thing: nobody in there knows shit about your personal life. Men clamor for even the slightest detail. Women desperately want to hold your precious secrets. Everyone else is equally mystified, and it’s hot! Unfortunately, like many, local woman Mary Warner, 22, has ruined the possibility of being mysterious through oversharing constantly.

“Yeah, I have this thing where I love talking about myself. Like, if someone’s telling a story? That’s when I usually come in with how it relates to my life. And to be honest, a lot of the time it doesn’t have anything to do with my experiences. I just love talking about me,” Mary candidly shared despite me not asking. “If I can make a conversation about me, you know I have to. Even if it’s a challenge. That’s actually where I shine.”

Mary faces a plight many of us do: the internal struggle between loving to hear your own voice and shutting the hell up.

“It would be so cool to be one of those ladies that makes everyone wonder who they are and where they came from. Before anyone even asks, I’ll volunteer to tell them about the time I got a tampon stuck inside me and my roommate had to get it out. Or how once I had an allergic reaction to shrimp on a first date and threw up on this guy. I wish I could be sexy and
confusing and tell all my greatest stories about food poisoning or stepping in dog poop before work!”

We hear that, Mary! Across the globe, women have to choose between acting like an actress in a perfume commercial (aloof, gorgeous, unapproachable) and being themselves (weird, loud, gross).

“I just can’t stand the thought of not saying every single thing that pops into my head. I guess that means I can’t be mysterious, because most of the thoughts are about me and my opinions. Oh well! Did I ever tell you about the time I passed out in a hot yoga class? The EMT said I was the most dehydrated person he’d ever seen! It was so funny!”

Thanks, Mary!

Callie Webb
Author: Callie Webb
Callie is a comedian, human being, and woman. She has a fondness for George Michael and videos of unlikely animal friendships.