Woman Goes Completely Zero-Waste Except for Her Trash Boyfriend

Jacquie Ramos cares about the environment more than most people. That’s why she’s committed to making her carbon footprint as small as possible. For the past five years, Ramos has eschewed typical American consumer habits and, thanks to an affinity for buying in bulk and sticking only to necessities, she has produced zero trash. However, there is always a conspicuous 180 pounds of trash in Ramos’s vicinity, known locally as her boyfriend, Tom. 

In order to maintain her (nearly) zero-waste lifestyle, Ramos must always think ahead and maintain a rigorous set of rules for herself. On any given day, she has to say no to luxuries that many of us take for granted, like bulky packaging and take-out containers. Evidently, Ramos is less strict, however, when it comes to selecting a life partner, so she keeps saying yes to Tom.

“Aww how could I say no to that face?” said Ramos during an interview, or at least I think that’s what she said because the sounds of Tom’s video games were drowning out her words. 

“When I went zero-waste, I made a promise to myself and to the earth. I have no plan to break that promise.”

Well, except for the one glaring exception that is her boyfriend. Girl, toss him! What are you doing! Despite the protestations of her close friends and family (and this journalist), Ramos shows no intentions to perfect her record and give up her anomalous trash boyfriend. Even though he wears the exact same sweatshirt every day (not for environmental reasons—we asked) and habitually insults Ramos’s choice in music, Tom is still very much around. 

“Overall, I’m proud of Jacquie for walking the walk. So many young people talk a big game about wanting to save the environment, but Jacquie actually embodies her values every day,” commented Trish, Jacquie’s longtime friend. “But if she doesn’t dump that giant turd of a boyfriend like, now, all her virtue just gets canceled out. He’s pure garbage.”

Jacquie’s sister, Talia, agreed, “Sure, she might have spared a few sea turtles by now, but there is still a huge cost to her lifestyle—we have to endure the pain and suffering caused by Tom’s presence. While she’s saving the environment, she’s absolutely punishing us.” 

When asked what he thought of his girlfriend’s zero waste lifestyle, trash boyfriend Tom commented, “Wait she does what? I never noticed.” 

Mary Gulino
Author: Mary Gulino
Mary is an LA-based writer from New Jersey whose work can be seen online and on TV (unless you count streaming platforms as online, in which case, it's all online). She got glasses when she was two, and would love to talk optometry sometime.