Woman Realizes She is More Unstable Than Her Internet Connection

You know, this lockdown has not been easy. Endless Zoom meetings, lonely evenings, trying to figure out if there is a Covid-safe way to be on Tinder.  It has been an emotional time. The other day I found myself crying to an advertisement for toilet paper. Remember that week we all thought not having toilet paper would be the worst thing that could happen to us? I miss that week. We were so innocent back then.

Anyway, I was on a video call with my boss a few days ago and all of a sudden I felt like there was something wrong with my brain. The video became pixellated and she was speaking slowly and incomprehensively, even more so than usual. It was very unsettling until I received a message saying my WiFi was unstable. Aaaah that was it. I breathed a great sigh of relief and decided to just leave the meeting, open a bottle of Chardonnay, and tell my boss my internet had cut out. The difference between unstable and unfunctional is after all really not that big.

Three days later, I was in a conference call with our sales team on Zoom and one of the sales managers started explaining to me that while it was impressive my sales record had improved 300% in the past 6 months, going from 1 to 3 sales with a target of 450 was really not all that great. Like, hello, Covid anyone? It’s hard enough keeping track of which tops I have recycled for my Zoom meetings and remembering to put the dirty dishes in the bathtub so they are not visible behind me, without being harassed about my performance. And while he was lecturing me on productivity whatever, it happened again: it felt like I was seeing double and I lost all focus. Dang that WiFi is unreliable. But no message popped up and when I later called the internet company they said they had improved our speed and WiFi had been exceedingly dependable. And then it dawned on me: the most unstable entity in my life is me. 

The Ikea table that I lost the assembly instructions for and whose fourth leg is barely screwed in – more stable than me. My 11-month old niece who has only just started walking – more stable than me. My dad’s stress-related heart disease – still more stable than me. 

But I take pride in being an unstable unicorn, so to speak. I try to think of myself as an unstable genius. And things could be worse. My WiFi could actually be less stable than me – now that would really be a disaster.

Lalita Dee
Author: Lalita Dee
Lalita Dee is a writer and comedian originally from Amsterdam. Her observational and narrative humor describes her queer experiences as she navigates her way through the US, the heteropatriarchy, and single motherhood. Her humor has been described as “intelligently hilarious” as well as “some feminist BS."