Woman Returns to Work For One Day, Already Stole Coworker’s Yogurt

Shanley Fitzpatrick has recently returned to work at a mid-size insurance company. “It felt a little odd to come back to work in person again after so many months of working from home. It’s strange with the masks and distancing, but it’s got its perks,” says Shanley as she nods to the fridge and winks. 

With half of the department working from home, the pickings in the communal fridge are a bit slim today. Lucky for Shanley, Janet has returned to work in person too, along with her Jamie Lee Curtis approved Activia yogurt. Bingo! 

“It’s so bland, but in a good way. Kind of like when kids just eat pasta with butter. I couldn’t even tell you what flavor it is. Like I would never actually purchase this, but it’s definitely a guilty pleasure,” says Shanley as she licks the top of the yogurt to savor the last globs. She tucks the container and wrapper in the recycling bin to avoid suspicion before scurrying back to her workspace. 

Then, tragedy strikes! Shanley receives an email entitled “Fridge” from Janet. The jig is up. Shanley starts sweating through her blazer as she opens it. Janet writes: 

 Dear Shanley, 

      I put my lunch in when I arrived and shortly thereafter, it’s gone missing. 

      Any chance you know anything? 


Shanley shuffles to the bathroom and splashes some water on her face. She takes a long hard look at herself: What are you doing? What in the world is wrong with you? Is this what it’s come to, stealing sweet Janet’s bland little yogurt cup? What kind of pathetic power trip are you on? You need to fix this. At this moment, she knows exactly what she has to do. She has to frame Mark.

Shanley casually walks to the recycling bin and fishes out her evidence, then goes over to Mark’s cubicle to stash it in his trash can. She isn’t proud of this, but Mark usually asks questions at the end of department meetings, so he’s got it coming.

Oh my gosh! As Shanley places the yogurt and lid in Mark’s bin, her eye catches something else. A name. Janet’s name is written in marker on a sandwich bag… but Janet doesn’t sit anywhere near Mark. That can only mean one thing: Mark must have eaten Janet’s sandwich! 

Shanley is in shock. At first, she felt bad about framing Mark, but now it seems pretty well deserved. Stealing someone’s sandwich is a low blow. A measly yogurt is one thing, but a sandwich crosses the line. 

A moment after depositing the evidence, she runs right into Mark. She plays it cool. 

“Hey Mark, how’s it going? Just…uh, tying my shoe,” says Shanley. Mark leans in and whispers, “Did you get Janet’s email too? I think she knows.” Shanley shakes her head and hisses, “I’m not sure what you’re talking about Mark. No clue.”   

Tricia D'Onofrio
Tricia D'Onofrio is a comedian and writer from Connecticut, but not the tennis part. She has determined that 2020 will be her year, despite all signs pointing to the opposite. She always believed herself to be a unique individual, but it turns out she's just a textbook Sagittarius.