LOS ANGELES, CA- Like many Americans, 28-year-old Sonya Schmidt has been hesitant to travel during the Covid-19 crisis.
“Airplanes are unbearable for me in non-pandemic times, and now I have to worry that the elbow creeping over my armrest is not only annoying but also diseased? No thank you,” said Schmidt with conviction.
But as the apocalyptic months have dragged on and on, Schmidt has softened her stance.
“I live halfway across the country from most of my family, and I miss them,” she said with a wobbly voice. “I don’t know how much longer my Grandpa has left on this earth, and this may be the last time I’ll get to hear him call me a ‘horse’s ass’ for being a ‘liberal pinko.’”
She then wiped away a tear with fondness in her eyes.
Schmidt has decided that during such a momentous election year, it’s important that she take the leap and journey home for the Thanksgiving holiday.
“The tension is going to be harder to cut through than the turkey this year, and I just can’t miss that,” said Schmidt with resolution. “I’m coming home and I’m bringing a side dish of sass, so my loving family better get ready to swallow some truth!” said Schmidt while awkwardly pounding her crossed arms over her pelvis in victory.
In preparation for her trip, Schmidt has been paying attention to the advice of the CDC and also drafting a few pages of snarky quips to throw at her family members.
“I can’t wait to ask my uncle if he’d prefer wine with his turkey or that FOX News Kool-Aid he loves so much,” giggled Schmidt with devilish glee.
When asked if the outcome of the election would affect her family’s banter, Schmidt waved away the question.
“No matter what happens, it’s going to be a full-on family fiasco. You see, I was brought up to respect tradition. And slamming fists on the table in political disagreement is the oldest and most cherished tradition our family has.”