It had been an otherwise perfect first date, according to 28 year-old Houston vet tech Andrea Swanson. She could never have predicted that it would all end so very, very awkwardly.
“There was just nothing I could do to make it less awkward. The more I tried to, the more awkward it became. I just keep replaying it in my head. I can’t believe the stupid things that were coming out of my mouth.”
Swanson’s traumatic brush with awkwardness came at the conclusion of her first date with 32 year-old data analyst Joel McEvoy.
“We met on Tinder, but he says he’s looking for something serious,” explained Swanson. “I had a lot riding on this one. He’s 6’3” and doesn’t live with his parents.”
Swanson and McEvoy began their evening at a trendy new Asian fusion restaurant downtown, where according to Swanson, dinner discussion flowed easily. “There weren’t any weird lulls in conversation or anything. I hate that. I even stopped myself from oversharing about my past relationships. And I NEVER do that. I mean, I was ACING this date.”
Dinner was followed by a brief stroll at a nearby park that involved casually linking arms, before Swanson looked at the time and said it was probably time to call it a night. McEvoy then went in for the kiss. “I usually don’t lock lips on the first date, but it just felt right.” The kiss itself was entirely adequate, with a tasteful amount of tongue and even a brief and intimate moment of forehead touching afterward.
“And then I said ‘goodnight,’ and he said ‘goodnight,’ and I started walking to my car a couple blocks down, but he started walking in the same direction. That’s when I realized we were going to have to make awkward conversation for at least two more blocks. And everything went downhill from there.”
Among the many random topics Swanson reports rambling on about, were how she likes Adele less now that she’s lost weight, how she’s always wanted a mini horse, and how she’s thinking about just doing Friendsgiving this year instead of going home to her parent’s.
“Those two blocks felt like an eternity. I thought it would never end. It truly felt like time had slowed down, and I was just watching myself saying all these stupid things, but somehow unable to stop.”
At press time, Swanson has not heard from McEvoy, and says she does not expect to. “It’s been four days,” she said. “I think the mini horse thing was the dealbreaker.”