Breaking News! Woman Who Graduated Three Years Ago Still Refers to Self as “Recent College Grad” in Cover Letters

It’s a story that’s rocking the nation. Local woman Irma Splunk, 24, graduated from a stupid university three years ago. Yet she continues to flagrantly refer to herself as a “recent college graduate” on resumes and cover letters. When asked for comment, Irma merely stated “ I don’t know. Get off my case. ‘Recent’ is one of those words that can mean anything. Like ‘praxis’ or ‘flammable.’ Leave me alone, I’m late to a job interview.” I think we all know you’re wasting your time, Irma.

While linguistics experts can debate the semantics all day, the truth remains. To boldly define yourself as a “recent” college graduate, while the year you graduated plainly sits atop the paper demonstrates an air of arrogance, sloppiness, and clownery.
Our team of investigative journalists tore Irma’s most recent cover letter apart. One, who wished to remain anonymous due to the sensitive nature of the topic, said: “It was honestly one of the most jarring experiences of my career. I’d never seen anything like it. She had no awareness of how unintelligent she sounded. She wrote about how she’s a great leader because she has ‘leadership experience’ and then didn’t elaborate. The use of the word recent is honestly the least of this woman’s problems.”

The job market is tough; no one denies this. Yet, a competitive edge, a fresh face, and college experience should allegedly make all the difference. So why doesn’t it? Could it be because none of that means anything? Why do we cling so to such arbitrary labels, when they do not even serve helpless fools such as Irma? Are we all better off forgoing the resume and cover letter and simply desperately appealing to the boss, groveling like fools? Perhaps. But until we reach the point where the words “recent college graduate” mean as little as they do to Irma, we have to forge onward.

“Rage, rage, against the dying of the light!” –Adele.

Or someone. I failed my Lit class in college.

Callie Webb
Author: Callie Webb
Callie is a comedian, human being, and woman. She has a fondness for George Michael and videos of unlikely animal friendships.