Woman Worried About Vaccine Rollout, Claims She’s “Too Feral to Be Let Back Into Society”

I get how the vaccine rollout is bringing everyone a lot of hope and joy. For me, it just fills me with terror. At this point, I’ve been secluded from society for almost a year, and my deep dark fear is that now I’m probably way too feral to be let back out into the world again. I used to like people, I honestly really did. I actually enjoyed their shenanigans and tomfoolery most of the time. But now, I have come to the realization that you all are idiots.  

I have developed some unsavory habits since the pandemic began; especially when it comes to other humans. I sneer and growl at those that don’t keep at least 12 feet away from me. You know, 12 to be safe. I bark at the people wearing their masks below their noses. I even frothed at the mouth one time.  

Animals. I like animals way more now. I mean… considering most humans, can you blame me? I talk to the cat a lot. She doesn’t really like me. If I crouch down behind her very quietly and catch her off guard, she allows me to pet her once or twice before clawing at me. She’s teaching me new tricks, like how to claw near the eyes and scream in the middle of the night for no reason.  

As you may have gathered, I’m not really sure how to communicate with people anymore either. Not unless they are on a computer screen.  How are we even supposed to greet people after all this? No handshake? No hug? No “Ugh, how are you doing?” with a weighted gloomy tone? Basically, what do I do with my hands?  

This is TMI, but I just let all bodily functions rip now. And I have definitely pooped during meetings. Are we supposed to just chew with our mouths closed again? What if I really need to belch? 

Most of the time I’m dressed like a yoga instructor who just rolled out of bed after three days. I don’t know if I can shower every single damn day again. Also, I don’t remember what my real clothes look like. I will not cage my ladies in a bra again. As far as I’m concerned, bras don’t exist from now on. Zippers are the enemy. I avoid them at all costs. 

So really, I don’t know if I can be let out again. This extrovert has definitely reverted into an introvert and I don’t know what the cure could possibly be. I think I like it in here, you guys. So it’s probably best that society moves on without me.  

Also, I hate everyone. 

Niki Hatzidis is an award nominated playwright and actor living in NYC, which means she tries too much, cries a lot and laughs through everything. Usually Coffee stained and running late because of the MTA.