Woman’s Entire Mood Destroyed By the Status of Her Store-Bought Spinach

Amanda Pyle woke up on Monday with a new lease on life. She had decided this was the week she was going to supercharge her self-care routine. Before she even got out of bed, she said her morning affirmations (I am light. I am love. I am worthy of light and love).

She did a 16 step beauty routine, performed a self-love mirror exercise, and swished warm coconut oil around her mouth for a full twenty minutes. Brimming with possibility, she bounded off to the kitchen to make a fresh, anti-oxidant-packed, life-affirming breakfast smoothie. 

But what she encountered stopped her dead in her tracks. 

“When I first opened the refrigerator, it was going well. Fresh blueberries. Plump raspberries. Almond milk. I was feeling so hopeful.” Her mouth begins to slump downward. “And then I reached for the container of spinach.” 

Amanda had purchased the spinach the day before, at a small specialty produce store called “Greens Mart.” It had all the proper labels- 100% organic, non-GMO, locally grown. It cost $6.96 and it came in BPA-free, recycled responsibly disposable packaging. 

The top few leaves were bright green, light, and springy, giving off a soothing, pleasant crunch as Amanda gracefully plunked them into her blender. But it was what was below that still haunts Ms. Pyle’s nightmares. 

“It was squishy. Wet. Rotten. The leaves were balled up, there was a strange chartreuse liquid at the bottom and a rancid odor permeating the air. I can still feel the spinach simply ooze through my fingers…” 

Amanda Pyle slumped down onto her kitchen floor, weeping, still clinging to handfuls of salad, questioning everything about her life choices. 

So what did poor Amanda do? 

“I went to McDonald’s, got an egg Mcmuffin, hashbrowns and a mocha latte and shame ate them in front of an episode of Dr. Pimple Popper. And honestly? It was the best morning I’ve had in years.”

Susan-Kate Heaney (Los Angeles, CA) @sue_kate Susan-Kate Heaney is an actor (Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, The Mindy Project, Masters of Sex), writer (multiple one-woman shows, webseries, movies) and new mom (Clover). She loves comedy and performs live often (improv, stand-up, sketch). She is the host of a podcast called "The Quirks" and spoiler alert... she has many of them. ​