Witnesses confirmed that area woman Anna Schulberg’s left breast is in peak physical form today—it appears pert, round, and as though it is simply having a good time. The same has not been confirmed of her right boob.
Whereas Schulberg typically opts for a conservative layered look this time of year, uncharacteristically balmy temperatures allowed her to don a flowy floral button-down dress, the bodice of which fits the curve of her left boob (and only her left boob) like a glove.
After each work Zoom call today, all of Schulberg’s coworkers confirmed that her cleavage was tastefully impressive—at least on the left side. On her walk to and from the dry cleaner’s, Schulberg received many respectful, approving nods regarding her boobs from men and women alike—that is, as long as they were passing her on the left. Pedestrians who passed her on the other side barely cast a glance her way. There was, after all, not much to look at in comparison.
At one point in the middle of the day, Schulberg thought she was entirely mistaken about the status of which boob was standing at attention versus which one was wilting. While changing into athletic clothes to go for a run, Schulberg caught a glimpse of
herself in the mirror and noticed that actually, her right boob looked quite on point. Then she remembered how mirrors work and realized it was indeed the left one all along.
When asked how she plans to carry this confidence into the remainder of the week, Schulberg simply said, “Nothing is permanent, so I can’t predict how my boobs will appear tomorrow or the next day. Maybe the next time I put on a dress, my right boob will bring its A-game. Maybe both my boobs will appear rather lackluster, and another part of my body will take its turn in the limelight. What will be will be.”
Spoken like a true wise woman.
Schulberg’s right boob could not be reached for comment at the time of publication.