Countries all over the world have been reduced to chaos thanks to the new House of Gucci trailer that was released late last week. Bisexuals are popping up left and right after seeing Adam Driver and Lady Gaga mack in their 1990s garb. To make matters worse, Salma Hayek was in the trailer, which drove the hotness levels off the charts.
“It was a calm day and then BAM — the bisexual radar in the lab just started lighting up like a damn Christmas tree!” definitely real scientist Dr. Steven Wren said. “Usually, we see small spikes here and there when there’s a new Megan thee Stallion video or when Harry Styles does that thing with the watermelon, but THIS…this was a whole new level.”
Not only are the bisexuals taking over, but they’re left unsatiated. The movie doesn’t even come out till November and it comes out the day before Thanksgiving. Many are left wondering how they’ll tell their family that they have to miss the holiday in order to devote their full attention to the film.
“You think my grandma is going to understand when I tell her I can’t bring sweet potatoes because I want to go look at Adam Driver’s sweet bod?” bisexual Gavin Beatty said. “No! And I certainly don’t have time to give her a crash course on Lady Gaga either! She gets the Salma Hayek part though.”
Bisexuals aren’t quite sure what it is about the trailer that awoke them in such a violent way, but they have some guesses.
“When Lady Gaga sipped her espresso cup, I wished she was sipping me,” bisexual Jada Kline said.
“Adam Driver has the same haircut as my Boomer mother, and yet I was unable to look away,” stated bisexual Henry River.
“I think they included Jared Leto in all those prosthetics as a theoretical cold shower, but it wasn’t enough to cool us down,” commented bisexual Quinn Tate. “Nothing could be enough to do that.”
In the meantime, we’ll all just have to sit patiently and hope that the bisexuals can survive on the trailer alone for now. Yet, they grow restless.
“Burberry had the gall to release an Adam Driver cologne ad in the same week in which he played a sexy centaur,” Kline said. “It’s like they’re kicking me while I’m down. It’s like they’re dancing on my grave!”
Image: Lady Gaga/Instagram
