I’ve done a lot of things for attention in my day. It began with being born a Gemini and escalated into breaking my arm in the fourth grade, but I’ve moved onto more advanced tactics like being a lactose-intolerant adult who refuses to stop eating dairy. The best thing I ever did for attention? I became bisexual. No, I certainly wasn’t born this way! I chose to be just for attention from one person: my conservative grandmother.
Some people are like, “How did you find out you were bi?” The easy answer is, “I watched the scene in Aladdin where Jasmine is in the red outfit when I was four and here we are.” However, I prefer to say, “When I knew it would put an uncomfortable divide between me and my rapidly aging relatives. That was really sexy to me.”
If you ask any person over the age of 45 what they know about bisexuals, they’ll probably say, “Um, that they’re godless sluts who will take it from anyone?” If you ask any person under the age of 30, they’ll say, “It just means that they can be in a fulfilling relationship with a person of any gender.” If they’re between 30 and 45, they’re probably too busy taking Harry Potter quizzes on Buzzfeed to answer you. As you can imagine, my grandma is over 45, so do the math. The answer to that math? Unadulterated attention, baby.
As most grandmothers are, my grandma is Catholic. This bodes well for me getting extra attention for being bisexual. I am constantly being prayed for and that means the big man upstairs is hearing a LOT about me. It’s hard being the main character of someone’s prayers, but I do it really well.
Being bi has left my family in suspense. Think of the final episode of any American Idol season in the early 2000s… you know, the one with the five minutes of tense music before they announce the winner? Well, that’s the tension I have created in my family in regards to my future wedding. If I want to marry a man, my grandma will show up. If I want to marry anyone else, I have to do it in secret like a saucy romance novel or a woman who has been divorced thrice in Hollywood. Leave it to me to keep the family on their toes!
So, yeah, I am bisexual for attention and I am eating it up. Much like press, any attention is good attention, especially if it means the matriarch of my family thinks I wound up this way because my parents vaccinated me.
