You Have Guests Staying at Your House; How Discretely Can You Take a Shit?

Now that the world is opening up a little more every day, you’re likely going to have some guests over at your house. Whether it be family, friends, or a refrigerator repairman, you need to prepare to have guests over again. And with all that fun comes one big problem: how are you going to poop? Life comes at you fast. And sometimes, so do your bowels. When your innards start churning, how do you politely excuse yourself from your guests to do a bathroom blowout? Here are some tried and true tips for when the 8:01 train is rolling down the tracks. 

Say your cousins are over and your half bath is right off the kitchen. You need to drop the kids off at the pool, discreetly and quickly. How do you do this without raising alarms? Easy! Invest in a blender and some fresh fruit. Before it’s time for your big shit, pleasantly suggest that your guests make a smoothie. Set them up with all the fixins and tell them not to press BLEND until you’re securely in the bathroom, so as to maximize your time. When the blending begins, use the loud noise to cover up any unsightly shit sounds you may be making. They’ll never hear a peep from your ass when they’re blending up a healthy breakfast drink! 

What if you have an evening guest and your bathroom is attached? Don’t wanna lose the magic with your special someone? Lie and tell them you’re just going to take a sexy shower, but no, they can’t come with you. Go ahead and turn the water on to the shower’s highest setting and take a dump knowing the seductive sound of running water will hide the evidence. Then, when you’re done, hop in the shower as if you’ve been there the entire time. You can even wash your hair for good measure! When you step out, fresh and clean, the last thing on your lover’s mind will be poop. Another one successfully tricked! 

Here’s our third and final tip: be honest with the people in your home. It’s your house, and you’re gracious enough to host them. You’re a human being, and defecating is a human bodily function. There’s nothing wrong with it, and you need to feel no shame.

I’m absolutely kidding. Here’s the actual tip: bring a child’s beach bucket into your room and shit into that. Toss it out the nearest window and let it be someone else’s problem, like in Victorian London. The streets will run with your shit, but your guests will think you’re a lady! And it’s as easy as that.

Callie Webb
Author: Callie Webb
Callie is a comedian, human being, and woman. She has a fondness for George Michael and videos of unlikely animal friendships.