Board Games That Will Make You Feel Rich While You’re Unemployed

Ah, the rich. The enviable 1% with their multiple estates and fancy cars. The lucky few who are already fattened enough that they will likely taste delicious on the day that we finally band together and eat them. We hate them, but we still like to fantasize about their triple-headed showers sometimes. So here are the best board games for you to live out your rich bitch fantasies while you’re fun-employed.

Monopoly

The object of the game is literally to “Collect rent from your opponents, with the goal being to drive them into bankruptcy.” So basically, you can pretend to be the wealthy landlord you currently resent! Fun fact: in Monopoly’s original incarnation, it was called “The Landlord Game.” Curious. So hold a martini glass filled with triple sec and gloat in the fantasy of being carefree in these times! And if buying expensive properties proves to be too boring, just toss the fake money around and roll around in it like it’s real and you’re an asshole. Tee-hee!

LIFE

This is a game that was created to reward good behavior with better life outcomes. There’s no such thing as a useless English degree or crushing student debt in the game of life, so your education might actually pay off and lead to retirement at “Millionaire Mansion!” Eat a salad and laugh while you play, saying things like, “I wonder what it’s like to struggle or make a mistake.” Everyone will hate you, just like if you were rich!

Clue

True crime, mansions and fancy attire? Sounds RICH. Get away with murder that you committed with a fancy candlestick in a money-dump room like the LIBRARY with this saucy classic. You know you love murder, but rich-people murder is just so much less of an eyesore than the usual fare.

Azul

Azul is a newer game on the scene, or “the new black” as they say. It has pretty tiles that you strategically arrange for points, which is delightful and esthetically pleasing. RICH. But what really makes this game elitist enough to be on this list is the bougie method they suggest for deciding who goes first: the person who last visited Portugal. Never been? Poor dear. Guess you’ll never be first.

Hungry Hungry Hippos

Just imagine that your Hippo is your assistant (because you’re very rich and you have an assistant) and they’re gobbling up all the toilet paper and sanitizer at the store you sent them to because you told them that if they didn’t THEY’D GET FIRED AND NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN!

Now hold your paper money like a fan and gloat, you fabulous rich bitch, you!

Image: Monopoly/Wikipedia

Courtney Blomquist
Courtney is comedian, writer, and occasional photographer in Los Angeles. She's a little bit basic, but also a little bit rad, so it all evens out in the end.

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