Sometimes, hard work does pay off. Seth Nelson from Fresno, CA received high honors after being dubbed the King of Health by the National Office of Scumbags (NOS) last Wednesday, thanks to his valiant efforts to end obesity.
“We were absolutely dazzled by Seth,” President of NOS Kevin McBroom said. “He is truly a Scumbag legend. Every day he commentsed on every one of Lizzo’s social media posts to say, ‘stop glorifying obesity.’ It’s like it was his full-time job!”
And it was! Unemployed Nelson lives in his mother’s guest room surrounded by Xbox games covered in a thin layer of Cheeto dust, so he has tons of time to spread his gospel across the internet.
“To me, it’s about making sure people understand what it means to be healthy,” Nelson said as he took a swig of Monster energy drink. “It’s an absolute honor to be the new King of Health. Last time I was dubbed king of something by the National Office of Scumbags, it was King of Spamming Women’s DMs with Explicit Photos, so I am happy to continue my legacy with them.”
When asked how he is able to keep up with every Lizzo post, Nelson credited the Instagram algorithm for making his job easy.
“There is actually a secret feature on all virgin males’ Instagrams that allows them to pull up all plus-sized women’s posts, so they can easily harass them to their heart’s content,” Nelson touted. “I have to thank Instagram for giving us something to do. We are usually so bored since no one wants to talk to us! Also, I don’t just do this to Lizzo’s posts, I do it to any woman I see who is above 120.”
As to why Nelson does this, even he isn’t exactly sure. In fact, he sort of short-circuited when we asked him.
“Uhh,” Nelson began. “Women should be skinny with big booby no fat other than booby please give sex and have no hair except on head.”
Nelson’s authority on health is a little rocky as well. We asked him to elaborate on how he learned so much about Lizzo’s diet and exercise habits to ensure she was actually unhealthy.
“Excuse me?” Nelson questioned. “What does diet and exercise have to do with health? The only way to tell if someone is healthy is by their body weight. Everyone knows that.”
With every word, Nelson made the National Office of Scumbags even prouder. Finally, we asked him to describe his own diet and exercise.
“I don’t need to exercise because I have always been skinny and thus perfect,” Nelson said. “My doctor did, however, have to replace all of my organs with plastic bags because I ate so much Jack in the Box two years ago that it literally rotted my insides.”