Things You Can Buy With Your $1,400 Stimulus That’ll Make You Say “Damn, I Wish I Was Canadian”

I get it, times are really tough. It seems like everyone nowadays is unemployed and sad, including myself (though, being a comedy writer, this is implied!) Even though we’re depressed as hell and lonely enough to make “fuck me” eyes at the middle-aged Grubhub driver who comes to our house daily, chin up! Why? Because by the grace and glory of God a mere handful of senators, who govern our fine nation, are kind enough to consider giving us poors a whole $1,400! Since I don’t think international immigration falls into that budget, let’s look at the other fun things we can maybe get with our stimulus money!


Picture this: for one entire month you and your choice of humans can live in the lap of luxury. Sparing no expenses, this shag-carpeted, 90s wood-paneled, popcorned ceiling palace has all the amenities your representative thinks you deserve! Located in beautiful Duluth, Minnesota (okay 50 miles inland), you can finally afford to move your family from whatever coastal elite state you come from to a place where the neighbors are friendly and the cockroaches are quiet.

Oh, y’all want a deposit AND first month’s rent? Nevermind.


New clothes and shoes are some of the most affordable ways to feel good about yourself! Too bad you’ve already bought all the clothes they sell at Target, the only store open. Why would I want to do online shopping when I feel like I ordered my life on Wish? I just want to get my boots and my coat and get the hell out of my house.


I get it, it sucks that your cute little Prius got repo-d because of ‘Rona’s little dance routine, but now you want a place to live AND a mode of transportation? Even though your ass isn’t going anywhere anytime soon, let’s humor the thought for a second. While it’s near impossible in many places to get a good car for a decent price, some locals have worked it out! It’s pretty cool, almost a Tesla vibe? Most of them are aerodynamic, have self-opening doors, come in cool colors, and even have self-driving capabilities! Now, I bet you’re asking, “How do I get one of these cars?” and the answer is: you don’t. It’s called a bus, sweaty; have your $2.50 ready at the door.

The Will to Live

Justin Trudeau? Let me in? Please?? Je parle français de niveau lycée!?!?

Fuck it, I’ll try again with James when he brings Chipotle to my door for the 4th night in a row.

Kirsten Hernandez
Author: Kirsten Hernandez
Kirsten Hernandez is a writer, activist, and occasional linguist in the Los Angeles area. When she isn’t clowning on the internet for likes, she’s likely to be tending to her multitude of dogs or overanalyzing the shit out of television shows.