Zip my vest and lint roll my leggings, autumn is here! As we begin this annual celebration of all things crockpot, we kindly ask you to remember that there is more than one spice available to meet your needs. That’s right pumpkin, cool your Uggs and let these OG spices tickle your tastebuds instead.
Salt: Without this bad boy, why even bother? Why don’t you ask popcorn, potato chips or an icy driveway who they’d like to go on a dream date with. Newsflash dummies, it’s salt. Salt has a 3-sport letterman jacket, smokes casually for aesthetics, and just got crowned Homecoming King & Queen. Pumpkin doesn’t even have a date to the dance.
Geri “Ginger Spice” Halliwell: There’s no one else we’d rather slam it to the left with. She’s got it all – brains, a Union Jack mini dress, a sex scandal with another Spice Girl…uhhh the total package! Ginger has a hot British accent and a fiery red mane. Pumpkin comes from somewhere “just outside’a Bahston,” and has a bad dye job whose roots are begging for mercy. Is it Election Day? Doesn’t matter, ginger gets my vote. Hai si ja hold tight, indeed.
Allspice: This one is sort of a “no duh.” Known in cabinets as “Omnispice,” allspice flat out doesn’t have time for pumpkin. It’s too busy running the whole game. Need some help with indigestion? Boom. Allspice is there. Want to jazz up your gingerbread? You know who to call. Looking to add a little je ne sais quoi to your roasted veg side dish? GUESS WHO’S READY TO BURST IN LIKE THE KOOL AID MAN? Need a hint? It sure as shit ain’t pumpkin. Allspice is the spice in your friend group who will be your maid of honor, fix your flat tire, and help your grandmother make it to her glaucoma appointment on time. Pumpkin buys you tickets to Coachella, then makes you take her stupid picture the whole time.
The Spice Channel: Before easy internet access, there was subscription based “adult content” on high-numbered cable channels. Sure, it was mostly muffled moaning and a blurry nipple every few minutes, but straining your vision for the payoff was awesome. Everything now is so accessible. Pumpkin is so eager to steal the spotlight, it’s got no issues obliviously interrupting your #HotGirlSummer to announce its arrival. The Spice Channel made you work for the payoff, and that’s why hot or iced, this spice is right.
Variety: THE SPICE OF LIFE, BABY! A tattoo of your kindergarten best friend’s zodiac sign? Why not. A glass blowing hobby class that meets at 9:30 AM on Wednesdays? Gimme. Pumpkin is your old reliable in an ever changing world. It’s predictable, you know how it ends. Variety is the literal opposite. Don’t waste your fall wrapped in plaid, slurping gourd-juice like a Pinterest Proselyte. Smash that mason jar and get thee to an aerial jazzercise class before learning how to text with your new pet bird.
Image: TIME/Getty Images