I have been a history buff since a very young age. And lately, with my Patriotic name, I decided to find a founding father I could be proud of. But who was he? Does he even exist? Here’s a rundown of 10 of our founding fathers as I search who would win a wokeathon.
John Hancock: The winner of the signature competition. And he owned… slaves. Moving on…
James Madison: The father of our constitution and…owned slaves… oh and didn’t free his slaves in his will, so even after he died his slaves were passed on like property…so no.
John Adams: America’s first Vice President and our second President. His wife owned slaves but he was violently opposed to slavery and very vocal about it. He seems to be straddling the fence a bit. So he doesn’t get an award from me.
Benjamin Franklin: Owned two slaves and his newspaper regularly advertised slave sales and indentured labor. Oh Ben. Why?
George Washington: The origin of my name and maybe the owner of my relatives. Was a slave owner, and his false teeth were made of hippopotamus and human teeth… so yikes!
Patrick Henry: He stated, “Give me Liberty or give me death!” and “Our brethren are already in the field! Why stand we here idle? … Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty, or give me death!” Such pretty pretty words. But guess who
kept on buying slaves until the day he died? This guy. That’s called hypocrisy.
Thomas Jefferson: Jefferson. Jefferson. Let me count the ways. Your plantation was known for its white slaves because you systematically raped your slaves so much you were making your own slave children. So let me say… you are out as our woke founding father. Sure you took one to Europe and played house, but like… was that her choice? I’m gonna go with you didn’t care.
Alexander Hamilton: You make a good musical, sir. You rap very well. But you really didn’t respect your amazing wife sir, and you encouraged your kid to get in a duel and lose. So…
Samuel Adams: Not the beer. Was against slavery but may have owned one slave. Bit of a problem.
Thomas Paine: Staunchly against Slavery! Ding Ding Ding!
Thomas Paine, is he our winner? He might just be. But how many people have actually heard of him or what he contributed to America? Maybe we need a Thomas Paine musical!